I thought I was going to retire… Then The U finally gets serious about being The U again. This is where all minors should stop reading, there’s definitely going to be some adult language in the words to come. These children of today do not seem to know anything about what makes The Miami Hurricanes Football Team so special, The U so special. It begins and ends with the football team. Yes, baseball and basketball are good at The U, and important. Yes, the track team is important, Soccer, Volleyball etc. on down the line. But it all comes back to football. Football caries everything else on its back-period. And it does so whether the football program is running college football like a well oiled MACHINE, or limping on 3 cylinders while they cant fucking tackle to save their lives. It all revolves around the football program. And to you experts-yes, the hospital has been making money, saving lives and getting some headlines. It still cant sniff the football program’s jock straps when it comes to the identity and world-wide recognition of The University of Miami Hurricanes.
So whats new all of the sudden?
Approximately a week ago, The University of Miami goes on an absolute tear! It seems that someone finally decided to stop the old guard from pulling its same old tricks, keeping the football program held hostage by mediocrity with their back room political games, and money hoarding bullshit. What happened? Urgency happened. What has been going on you say? Strap in and hold on tight for this one. NOTHING like this has ever happened in college sports before in history, at least nowhere near this capacity, at this pace, and with this financial MOUNTAIN behind it.
It started with Step 1: Get rid of the Athletic Director that was holding us back-Blake James. Old friendships and politics finally caught up to his ass. When he was asked to fire Manny Diaz Jr, he said no. His friendships and deals finally caught up to him. Yes, Blake, thank you for approving the few things that you did approve while you were in that position of power, even if former players and Coaches put their own money up for them because you tightwad mother fuckers wouldn’t do shit to help the most glorious sports team in Florida’s history (college, pro or anything else).
Step 2: Start the NEW Head Football Coach hiring process. Mario Cristobal was the target. It was Mario come hell or high water. We would get him no matter what. And we did. He was assured of a certain vision/plan, and the Miami kid, the South Florida boy had no choice but to become a part of the rebirth of The U, while living out his dream-Head Coach of THE Miami Hurricanes. It was his calling. Yes, Lane Kiffin was on a short list. Yes there were a couple other names on a very short list. None of that mattered, it was going to be Mario Cristobal, a former stand out player on one of the best versions of the football team. The hometown kid. The Hurricane. The proven leader. We can all imagine what Lane would’ve brought to the Miami passing game and offense. But we are about to witness dominance like many of you have only heard about, and Mario will definitely lead the way to that, along with his Dream Team of Coaches and support staff.
Step 3: Start new AD hiring process. It will be Dan Radakovich, period. There was so much speculation, so much banter, so many rumors. He was the guy from before any of you ever heard a peep about any of this. Things had to happen in the order that they seem to be happening in. There is a whole different timeline going on that very few people are aware of. It has to be this way. More on that “Mafia-inspired timeline” later.
Step 4: Start assembling the new “Dream Team” or “Super Team” of the Miami Hurricane Sports Department quietly, while also simultaneously assembling the new Dream Team/Super Team of the Miami Hurricane Football Program. Oh, you thought this would only be about football? Hell no! Miami is coming to dominate EVERYTHING. There is a mountain of money, people, and king kong-sized balls pushing a movement that is going to wreak havoc on the entire college sports landscape. More on that in later articles, but football is just the beginning.
Step 5: Fire Manny Diaz Jr.. It had to be done. To keep this short and simple, Head Coaching was just too much for him. Yes, when he was only concentrating on Defense, he had the #1 and #3 defense in the nation. He did have moments of greatness being a Defensive Coordinator, and some not so great. While being a Head Coach, Manny focused a little too much on headlines. Rolling up to other college’s recruiting party’s in a huge yacht (great move if we could’ve backed it up on the field). Too much focus on shiny things. O.K., the ORIGINAL Turnover Chain was fucking brilliant! It was beautiful. It had the whole college football world talking about it, and in-turn, talking about the Miami Hurricanes football team. Too many schools (in numerous sports-not just football) all of the sudden came out with their turnover things. FSU even came out with their “Turnover Purse,” which was supposed to be a backpack, wink wink. Please don’t ask me what the hell a purse or a backpack has to do with a sports superstar making a highlight play?
*In the strangest coincidence, this is where Manny Diaz Jr. graduated from college-FSU.
Now come the social media experts and 5,000 people claiming to have inside information on what Miami is doing, when and with whom. Then fucking comedy hour ensues on Twitter. At your own leisure, rewind everyone’s posts/timeline’s and see what’s what, and from who. Some were right. Some were comically wrong. Some guessed pretty good as they researched their twitter feed. Come to your own conclusions.
Now we address the Top Ten things that should happen for The Hurricanes next:
1-Only because its grabbing the most headlines, is this first. Stadium talk-facepalm. I get it, money, REAL BIG money is involved, and that money has ideas, cool.
Reality on planet earth: If the powers that be give a flying fuck about THE Miami Hurricanes football team, there is only one thing to do-and that’s to make good with The Universe, with Karma and right the political pig wrongs that were done, and have cursed the team ever since. The only real answer is to rebuild The Orange Bowl, in its original footprint. Everything the same. No retractable roof, no thousand private boxes, none of that bullshit. Make the U (horse shoe-ish) shape, in its EXACT original footprint. Build it to LAST (plumbing and all).
If this money is so fucking big, then buy EVERYTHING on that original Orange Bowl land (and then some), get rid of all of that shit. Move them wherever-it don’t matter. Then build The Miami Hurricanes magical home back. Now, getting back to all you 12 year old ding bats that don’t know shit about what magic means. When UM used to play in The Orange Bowl, you could FEEL the electricity. And I’m not talking about on a killer play like the one in the Notre Dame game at Joe Robbie Stadium (you 12 year olds call it The Hard Rock-another case of money and greed fucking up something that was perfect to begin with). You could feel the electricity start to affect you when walking up and seeing The Orange Bowl. You weren’t even near it yet and you could FEEL it. Then you get inside the gates and your hair is standing up and you just know you’re in the presence of greatness. Then you walk around to your Gate, your heartbeat is now banging, and its banging fast. Then you get inside The U-shaped REAL magic kingdom, and ALL of you is taken over by this feeling that no words I can type could begin to explain. Then you get to your seat/s, and the electricity is flowing through everything and everyone. All who are there knows something special is going on. And then the Smoke comes and THE Miami Hurricanes come running through it. Shortly thereafter the game starts and its like you’re in a dream, and your team has every cheat code known to mankind. They did more explosive plays than you could ever dream up. And you want to talk volume of a crowd, you silly people, there was nothing like the Orange Bowl crowds and the roar that you could hear for MILES in every direction of THAT stadium. Teams never wanted to come back. It was like they were in a nightmare when they came into our home. A home that at one time didn’t see a home loss in 58 games straight between October 12th, 1985 and September 24th, 1994, which is still a record to this day. All the nation’s sweetheart teams, all their poster boy players with their goofy ass haircuts, they all came to The Orange Bowl and got curb stomped into oblivion. And yes, the story is true-I did get arrested at The Orange Bowl for scalping tickets-when I was a young kid.
2-Joe Brady. OK, on paper, when you look quickly without SCANNING college football-yes, Joe makes the most sense. However, when you start to dissect whats really out there, you will eventually come across Warren Roggerio. There is no harder worker, no more determined and thorough mastermind in college football than Warren Roggerio. His work ethic is the stuff of legend.
I’ll take Joe, and he should excel well. But Warren would find true weaknesses that we could exploit at will. So there’s that.
3-The “Culture” of THE Miami Hurricanes. Can we REALLY get it back? Yes. And we can get it back rather easily since we now have a head coach that will let some of the players who had that culture help instill it into our current and future players. Our previous coach basically forbade that, sigh, facepalm, head shaking and a very big GTFOOHWTBS. Players who had and still have the toughness inside them to instill in our new Hurricanes. The Miami Hurricane culture starts with standards that surpass what most people can mentally or physically tolerate. Competition among the best athletes every single day. Every single play. Nonstop, which creates nonstop development that creates a mental and physical toughness that obliterate players on opposing teams. The rumors are true, for Miami Hurricanes, game days should be easy, like most teams practice days. I watched many of those practices that created those hall of fame legends. I saw, heard and smelt what it took to create such dominant monsters.
4-Realistic Class expectations: High. The Pied Piper is blowing his horn, most of the best have acute hearing and will come this way. The rest will go somewhere and wish they came this way. Name one person that will out recruit Mario Cristobal in South Florida. You cant. And no one else can either. All the right people, the people who matter-love him. They KNOW him. They know why they love him so much. Honesty and Integrity only begin to scratch the surface of Mario. They know their kids will get the absolute best Coach who will do everything he promises them he will do, just as he did himself when he was in their shoes.
5-Defensive Coordinator-Personally, I’d like Coach O to come home. I’ll leave this to Mario though. Surely Saint Mario will come up with another miracle.
6-Offensive Line: Get ready to witness greatness. This is Mario’s turf, and he RUNS his turf. We are solid here. New guys will replace some of the previous players and the new Offensive Line will surface that will hold firm. This is my #1 least concern.
7-Former Miami Hurricanes being hired to help, or even just coming to help without being hired: Yes. Yes to all of it. Mario knows how much they can help. They know how much they can help. Help is on the way more than any of you know. He is constantly on the phone with former players trying to help in any way they can.
What I am personally interested in seeing, is if help will be allowed in-game when needed. I already know its going to be a who’s who coming through practices to help.
Alonzo Highsmith: Will Zo finally have a roll at Miami? Stay tuned.
Ed Reed: Whats to come of Ed Reed? Stay Tuned.
I can name Canes all night. Stay Tuned. Help IS on the way.
8-The fake media outrage: Those fucking clowns are trying to make believe that Miami did something unethical when they hired Mario and fired Manny. Miami did this the exact way most teams are doing this these days-all while overcoming internal political bullshit at that. And Oregon with their holier than thou tweet about how they are talking to people respectfully, by going through the proper channels. Bitch please. Being Charmin soft is what got you into your predicament in the first place. Good luck with Georgia’s Defensive coordinator being your high-flying offense’s head coach. And ESPN, what total and complete hater fucktards they still are. After all these years, they’re still talking all that shit about Miami. I’ll bitch slap all of ya’ll on sight. You’ll wish it was only a 3 Piece and a soda. I’ll bring Thanksgiving Dinner upside all your heads and brand you with the number 26, bitch. Yeah, I still remember what you said about Sean, you disrespectful sissy fuck bitches. Whoever at ESPN publicly apologizes for what they said about Sean, I will forgive. The rest of those assholes, “I Ain’t Scared of you Bitch” is the understatement of the century. And its not only ESPN. All of y’all talkin that shit, we’ll see what’s up.
And while we’re talkin about ass whooping, Terry Porter-I will never forget the crime you committed against Miami, and I sincerely hope to meet you one day, face to face.
9-Realistic expectations for Miami for next year: There is no way they should not win the ACC and be in a legitimate bowl game. And, let me tell you, Super Mario is peddle to the metal, FULL throttle in all aspects of Miami football. From players, to personnel, to trainers, short term vision, long term vision, and laying all the foundations necessary to keep this train steamrolling for years to come. Mark my words on this.
10-Other schools imploding: Clemson and FSU are in a tight contest for number 1 to see who can become the biggest dumpster fire, So far, it seems FSU is winning-slightly. While Clemson lost their Miami Alum Athletic Director to Miami, FSU offered Louisville’s AD, Vince Tyra a job to be their AD, and he RETIRED instead of taking their deal. People would rather retire than be their Athletic Director. Now aint that some shit.
De Commitments: I GUARANTEE we will win that battle. Clemson, Oregon, all you fools-you already lost. No more car buying, bag of cash-handing advantages.
NIL: Thank you to the new NIL rules and the never ending train of businesses that want deals with THE Miami Hurricanes and their players.
Other colleges that have something to say about Miami: You worry about fixing your leaky plumbing, your leaking players, your leaky athletic departments, your leaking coaches (crying) and recruiting players from states besides Florida, because The State of Miami is back in session, bitches.
*Manny, I’m really pissed off. You almost had it. You made so many changes, necessary changes. But you made them at the end of the seasons, instead of right then and there on the fly, or at least in the next game. Manny, I told you I couldn’t protect you anymore. I have no idea why you thought you could possibly save your job at Miami. The ship had sailed before even the death blow-losing to your Alma-matter. There were 8 reasons why you were already gone, Mr. Run it up the middle. As I have previously said, I truly do wish you well in your future endeavors, as long as they stay far away from politics. Good luck up north in your new/old role. Just stay far away from the play clock, please. And for God’s sake, if you do ONE THING, learn how to stop the run, please. I’m asking for every football fan on earth.
Readers, have a fun time filling in the other 7 things that led to Manny being fired.
Everything in this article is purely hypothetical and for comedic purposes, surely I would never rag doll Terry Porter up and down the street after I made him watch me go through those ESPN sissies like a Cat 5 Hurricane with an Ibis wearing a #26 hanging on a Cuban link gold chain Brand in my hand.
It’s All About The U
So, Just When I Thought I Was Out-They Pull Me Back In
Now, y’all don’t forget to get all your boiled peanuts from Miami Hurricane Alum Lance Leggett at http://www.tasteoneboiledpeanuts.com (This article has nothing to do with Mr. Leggett, but while we’re at it-Go Canes, even their peanuts!).
P.S. Thank you to Julio Frenk and all of the people responsible for this much needed change. You all know who you are. Sincerely, thank you. My frustration is kind of out now, Ill try to be more nice in the future. Kind of. I’m Sicilian, so it is what it is.
Luke, Dan Sileo, Dan Lambert, I hope y’all are as happy as I am to see our beloved Miami Hurricanes be put back on the right track.
Oh, and in case you haven’t already heard, The Miami Hurricanes are already being investigated for NIL violations. Now you know Miami isn’t that stupid. One can only wonder what sissy fuck bitch called in on us. Manny, Are you that butt hurt? Take your millions and shut up. Dabo, did your cryin ass tell some fairy tales on us?
We didn’t do anything wrong, and we won’t. We don’t need to. Chase those rumors somewhere else.
*A special Thank You goes out to Beau Bradbury for letting us use his Super Mario artwork on Dirty South TV. Please do check out his stunning artwork at http://www.beaubradbury.com .